Actually u r tougher than anyone in the family

Now i realize that many thing not as true as I was thinking.
I also thinking that u are weak, so weak, and sometimes really feel upset to u.
By the way, i'm wrong. I was easily quoted since i not involve in the situation.
Now i feel guilty, as comparison, I worst than u, not even your little commitment.
U are so brave , so tough, so bravo.
U can accept the unwillingness without grumbling, u can bear with the unfairness without giving up.
Compare to me, i do nothing, i know only grumbling and feel scare to face it.
There were worst than feel scare, is no dare.
* the pressure bearing, u are not lesser than me.
* the pain bearing, u are not comfortable than me,
* the relationship conducting, I'm got more choice than u
* the responsibility to carried in the future, I am much lighter than u
* the interesting in the field conducting, It's more favorable for me
* the illness u having, I'm healthy at all
* the commitment on the study task, I'm far away from u.
Then how come i still felt not enough from u, by pointing the finger to others but not look at my own. How stupid it was....
I'm felt kinda guilty,
I'm felt really sorry,
Actually i'm the most useless and invaluable,
Somehow, i always feel arrogant with my little achievement,
I was a shit...
I really admired to u.

I dreamed.....

Today morning, I dreamed.
I dreamed someone who missing always, is it a sign or manifest of something that will happen?
" It's was an evening, she want to go Thailand but with unknown purpose, maybe for travelling or anything....
By the way, she need to buy bus ticket early, hence she need the go to Thailand terminal to book for it.
Coincidental, my cousin want to go Thailand, hence she would like to take a ride on cousin's car to get to the destination.
She was waiting for the arrival of cousin at bus stop with elder sister. I was worried it is ok to left her there for waiting, actually she fined, nothing illness and unconfortable.
I was just worrying and insist to wait with her.
Night becoming late, the cousin who allways not on time done his responsibility to not on time,
we was tiring waiting and suddenly its raining,
within the small bus stop, i quickly seize her to come in, prevent from getting wet.
In my feeling, I was mostly worried at all, will she accidently knocked down by others? Will she get into trouble if she go alone? Will she face difficulty when finding the bus ticket at Thailand terminal? Will she feel suffer after long walking? Will she tired?
Finally, cousin come with motorcycle, their face seem to be so enjoying, even though there are not enough seat to take on ride, they was enjoying running and follow cousin to car park to take their car...
Funny, haha, seem that she was so happy and can be running, is she really ok? will she get fatigue?
It still raining, dun get cold, inside my heart shoutout...
She was wearing a pink colour big jacket, very sharp and beautiful hairstyle, and very beautiful girl and happy..., and i was happy to see her happy and far from my sight"

haha.. Dream is ridiculous,
That my dreaming, does this indicate something? I could not read through...
Mysterios...

So sorry

I felt a big failure within myself.
I had failed to live with more exciting and energetic life, but the way, i was more tend to reverse.
I can't control myself, very upset and disappointed with the things lately done.
I failed to take care myself in good condition, I was failed in follow her advised.
I had a bad sleeping recently,
even my eyes feel so tired,
my face begin to felt numb,
and whole my body is to ache,
starting from backbone.
I lie on my bed, with my eyes close, hours by hours, i still in alert mode.
I'm so upset with my performance, feeling very down with this result,
starting to scared the effect if this situation continue, fear and frightened.
Not because of low visible night, but fear that can't enjoy the night.
Mind unstopped thinking on the dearest parent, how sad are they if they know i suffer from this.
Nervours tears nearly wetting my pillow, feeling how pity am i and those who always caring on me.
Great failure in managing myself made me felt more tension.
Mind, can u keep me on normal, i dun this to appear on me.
Really i scare that i will follow the path, in case not to reach parent who know the path, it is much important to keep secret and settle myself.
But who can i get helping hands?
Who can be my benefactor which want to give me an helping hand?
So happy that get feedback from concerning, but tension in carried is much greater,
who want step beside me and give me a push?
Or is me too sensitive, and hence a lot of unwanted tension developed,
There are something more terrible,
but really i felt someone always there for me, a good listener, have no weird to soliloquize.
I must settle down all this, give me a break please, how was the break is?
Some say it not good to say, should not be say, just would like to be decadent....
I'm sorry,
believe i will be good not follow you,
I was not happy at all that you be the example with great sacrifice,
I must be not let u on heart,
I thought i'll be better,
I'll try to get back again
I'm sorry i fail...

Memoirs of A Glory (VIII) -- She's gone (2) ,,,,,

Mom is going around in the house and keep the stuff of sister. Packaging and moving, there is no word upon my mouth, wat i can do is only keep my mouth shut. I scare i will did anything wrongly that boost the unbalance surrounding. Finally, Mom was crying loudly inside the room, eventhough she is in the room, the sound of crying can be heard clearly from the room.
I feel like want to hit myself on the wall to spell the feeling of unsatisfactory inside my heart.
The next day morning, we go to hospital to redeem sister's remain, i can believe that i saw she was lying inside that.
At that time, i really have to face that the fairy had leave the body, forever. It is no chance for us to meet this fairy again whenever, however and whatever in no way.
As a respect to the sister, i was the one who can bring my sister for funeral.
And i was the person to send the death body for cremate.
When knee down beside the casket, I had tonnes of tears that flow along my face, the music of funeral is started, and it the time for me to press the button to move the casket into the cremation room.
It is very cruel for me to do that, and i was very reluctant to press the button, i can't stop myself from crying and the movement of body is waving, seem the casket slowly far from our sight, the casket was sent into cremate. It was the last time that we have, after that, this appeareance will not be seem anymore in this earth.
The fairy is gone....
With no bringing, with no presage, I'm very sad...
My eye is pain, it swell for few days...
Who will care about this, except for the family,
This only a normal thing for others, only an event that will meet in their life,
Nothing pain for them who do not feel the torn.
I have the new vision,
I have the new blood,
even i dun know whether is she okay?
I hope that this fairy happy somewhere else....
I love u and miss u much forever...
Goodbye my sister...

Memoirs of A Glory (VIII) -- She's gone (1) ,,,,,

After graduating, Hoay would stay in home to build up her health first before get into the job. Since she still in home, she always aggressive looking for job opportunity. Even that her health is not allow, but she also go for interview.
However, the healthy state of Hoay is not an easy job. The more method and same way had been done for her to boost up her health, by the way, the result is not significant at all.
two years later, i had finish my form 6 study and involving in a part time. At that time, Hoay suddenly fall sicked, it is getting nervous for all of us. With her skinny body, she also got once accidently fall down at home due to lack of energy.
There was once she get bacteria infection, finally she also recover. Really thanks to God.
By the way, elder sister was that whole family could go for a Hong Kong trip on upcoming day since the price for ticket is cheap. It is excited for all of us, as the result that Hoay was not in good condition, we have to put this aside untill she recover. Hoay is so determinant that she will be okay by the time and request mom to book the ticket.
However, mum did not do for it.
When near the time for the trip, Hoay suddenly get swell at her foot, and her leg starting become numb, eventually she did not have the energy even to walking around. Any movement also require aiding by other.
This is the time that i realise she was most down. It was a great crack down that u couldn't walk with our own leg.
She was once lose confident and feel so blue, there no one can help her except herself. Seem she had great determinant and done a lot of effort before, the result were drive her dissapointed much.
Always being bad mood and very negative mind. And sometime try to give up.
As a mother, this things happen just simply like a knife which cutting her heart artery, which the pain is inside and the tears can only fall to the stomach.
Every weekend i will try my best to take bus to home because i would like to meet my family and also my sister. The job i involve for half year, i have no miss to back every weekand.
Remember every Sunday when the time i go back to workplace with brother, sister see me off, she always bye to me, and i was reluctant to back everytime.
On 5/4/2010, it was Monday, a day after i was in KL, approximately night around 11 p.m. That day was chinese tradisional day, a day which for chinese to hold memorial ceremony for ancestor.
On the bed at elder sister, I saw somebody open my room door, i was like to sleep that time, he was my sister-in-law. He is telling me a sentences:"Hoay may can't afford more..."
I was blank on my mind and try to ask clearly is there any misunderstanding on the word he told me.
He said:"father was calling just now, Hoay was in Hospital."
I was stunt, i start to back to my room and sitting on the bed, then i squat on the floor, my tears was going down and try to convince myself that its untrue, dun think much, is it a dream? She will be okay after get the treatment, just small matter.
When the door open again, i saw elder sister sitting on the corner with sound, the naive nephew still wondering why her mum and me is crying.
By the way, i need to face the truth. I call my boss at the night and have a week of vacant for this.
Sister-in-law was brought me home that night. I was fined along the journey, when getting near my hometown, my heart was getting nervous, i have no idea at all wat to do, the tears is in invonlunteery action.
When reach home, before get down from car, i take i dept breath and control myself avoid from misbehalf. I saw mom was full with tears and dad was very calm by opening the televisyen set at living room.

Memoirs of A Glory (VII) -- Finally Graduate

When its was the last semester, she had meet a lot of unfortunate and unfair treat by university and also the friend around.
It is very bad to a person who is weaker. How they be hardhearted to treat my sister like this.

Really f**ker and i hate those people. Must be judgement someday in their life...

When it was the last sem, sister is on skinny and poor health condition, and she was with a Indian girl be roomates. With the deplorable state of health of her, she developed insomia.

Everyday sleep about for 3 hours only. Plus on, is was the final sem of final year, she always feel cold to study in lecture hall due to her skinny body. For normal people, sometime we can't stand whatabout on a skinny girl...
The Indian was bad habit, always need to wake up at 3a.m midnight for study, by the way, the alarm was rang and she was on bed till 5a.m. The alarm keep on alarming but not to switch off till 5a.m. Stupid at all and not consider for other.
Complained had been made but she still a deaf cow that have no idea on what u say and keep on being COW.
With the weak body, sister go complain at the people who incharge of hostel, the person dare to tell my sister dun bring trouble to her, and her case would not be entertained.

Finally my sister go complain to the head, finally the case being entertained, however, the stupid who scare to involve in trouble try to warn her.
For a person be afraid of being involved, it already maximum thing she can do to change her life.
The case of changing room still not settled.
My dad taking initiative to call the Indian girl dad for helping that pleased her daughter not to disturbing sister again, but still no way.
This is the most hard time for her to passed by.
Finally, she passed the exam. She can graduate by bearing with the Cow for the last sem with the frightened poor healthy state of her.
My sister graduate with the position of Vice Chancellor for her academic, and get high distinction for her most every exam.
My sister WILLPOWER was the greater that i found no one can exceed her.
Her are the picture that before convo, she was excited to wear on and having pic with family member.

Memoirs of A Glory (VI) -- University Again

Within the period be nursed back to health. It really a tough job. Many quarrel and different of opinion conflict between mum and sister. Many way had been try, go for chinese medicine, western medical check up, go for divinities, go for classes, go for healthy life, and many so on. Finally com with a doctor with medicine, and recover back her to normal life.
By looking at the amount of food consumed, it is delightful for me. Remember that once at that time, i was in sorrow and have no appetize on food, she tease on me that the amount of the food os she taking is greater than me.
It is cheerful to have a look on sister body that getting fatter than before.
Is the time for her to continue her study, parent sent her back to continue the university life. By the way, this was the time where reluctant to let daughter again being in that place.


There is still left of one and a half year of her study. To prevent sister back to the state, mom alway advise and having phone conversation with her evrey single. No matter small thing or big event will be talk to beloved mother. Average for conversation each time exceeding half and a hour. This is because mom always tell her not to keep sorrow and scret alone, anything not to be keep feeling bad and should be share. At beginning is mom call her, after that is sister call back mom for the one and a half year.
Mom keep on topup for sister because scare that she found difficulty to go for topup.
Beside that, if got any time for break, sister is advised to back home eventhough it far from homtown. then on weekend Sunday, dad and mom with me will together send her back to school.



But, the same condition again, sister started back to skinny. AND... I thought it was the worst time she had passed before.......