Why emo-ing?

When grew up, the problem that I had is emo-ing. It conquer my life, any little thing which are not favour to me, with be a emotional factor to me. I know I had always thinking too much for many things. Thinking a lot of reason and excuse for my past behaviour. I know this is truly bad, but I have no way to conquer it back, I always tend to think worstly and result in emo-ing.

         What always your emotional factors? What are my emotional factors? I thought I have some of the factors as follow:
1. Is it without a person to help you get off your's chest?
2. Tend to be jealousy
3. Always disatisfied with others
4. Shying away
5. Not enough sleep?

       I would very happy if someone who like to let me unload. But I would not like to unload to others since I found that my care always from my villian inside. I know that I been influence by the bad habit, however, I still can't counter with it, if I find someone to output myself, It will be a shame for myself indeed. Then, I started understand that why people like to write diary or anything else. Because, it really a place to unload yourself with no reply or comment from the diary. If people would like to see your blog, I will not hiding it too since I hope someone can hear to me too. Haha.. If you are not feeling that blog or diary would be a place to unload yourself, thats mean your mind haven't full enough and scare enough to spell out your thought.
    
       Jealous - Would be my biggest problem. I have this since I was young and I thought that I have it severely. I'm not so kind compare to others, but I have a bad thought compare to others. I scare people critic on me but I like to critics others. I jealous to the people having high profile, I hate people doing things to make them high profile, but if possible I would like myself to be high profile. What's wrong with me???!!! Who can save me and clean my mind to be pure and moderate, I would not like this cause this make me suffer. My suffer always come when I felt contradiction within my dirty thought and civilisation thought.
          Emotional - mainly cause by not enough sleep for me I think. When I was having a bad sleeping night, everything will come into bad situation, happy things will bcome a very bad things when it pass through your mind. When I was in mood, everything would be good things, eventhought a bad things, I would like to lend my hand to help to become good things. How terrible is my mind?

         Lastly, one more thing that I suspected, all the reason above is come from my too free or lazy to do things instead? Then starting to thought with a lot of unhappyness and damn fucking thought. If that so, I am silly enough, what is the remedy to cure my lazy and free time? Haiz.....

The Cutie, Lim Johnson i mentioned.....

Photo-ing in computer Lab...

I had brought him to McD Kuala Selangor... ^_^

The last day I'm teaching in SJKC Chung Wah, I had no cance to teach on his class. Because all the student will having a National Day Drawing competiton in the hall after recess time. But it also create a better opportunity for me to interact with all the student. Haha

Johnson had using only one hour to finish his colouring. After that, he just follow me walking here and there to look on other participant. I'm calling him to sit back continue his colouring to make it better. But he refuse as he said that he done. Seems like something he wants to share with me but just can't to said it out.

To prevent others teachers say something on this, i just walk around the area where Johnson sit to enable him to talk to me. Haha

After they finish the contest, its already last period, at take time, I have to take on other class, however, i had prepare a souvenir for Johnson before i leave him. It was the photo for both of us. I had wrote something behind and want him to see it when home later. I accompany him to class and keep it inside his bag. He also promise that he won't open it untill he home later.

After that, I'm saying:"Bye Johnson, I have go already" Johnson quickly hold on my finger and said : "where u going? there no class already right?". I told him I have to entered another class which i handle untill the end of school time.

Eventhough Johnson had no saying he reluctant to see me leave, but i know that especially during the last conversation, he thought that i will stay down and chatting with him untill the end of school time. Unfortunately i have to go for another class. At that moment, I reluctant to leave you too, a bit of sour bitter as well for me....HAHAHA

I miss you too Johnson. I miss the moment you always holding my hand jump here and there, drag me to see something new, always requesting the sweets from me, I reluctant to go too. Hahaha

Remember to call me when you are free, since you are too young, I cannot always hang out with you because your parent will worry since they do not know me. I will visit when I'm free, hoping that your parent will not blame me.. Haha

I just treat you like my little brother, the cutiest... Keep in contact!!!

Warmest Hug... 散场的拥抱

Today, a day that fullfilled and warmest in my teaching life. I had ended my dream when i was young today. In the days of dealing job, I had recognise many students, they will become my friends after i'm out from there, because i would not like someone call me teacher, Its old. Hahaha

The last class I entered today is 2K from SJKC Chung Wah. A boy student name 张志豪 had make me touch, and now i'm more believe that children are the most sincerelity when they facing their desire. During the last few minute, all the students were in Q, and i surprisingly some students are happy run out and hug my leg.

After they return to the Q, i saw the boy i mentioned just now had some shining tears and red frame in his eye, at that moment, I'm happy that got student reluctant to leave me. I just going to his front and gave him a hug! Its awesome, Its an involuntary action! The warmest hug had told most of the thing that we have to say, just keep feeling on listening and contacting with the small body. I like tis feel MUCH!

Thus i gave some other students as well a warmest hug before they leaving, I think this is the best things to present both of us. A valuable but unexplainable experience. I'll remember u, 张志豪。。The 散场的拥抱 i had was not with lover but with

Nice Mood!!!

Again once i thought about my blog. It has been time i didn't update for it. Dun know untill when i will starting stop writing again. Hahahahaha

For the past few years, it was the turning point in my life, especially in growing mentality, I do learn a lot just after 18 years old. It's amazing!

In this long semester break, i had go for a job, an mighty and desire job. I became a computer teacher in primary school. Now already the last week i will teach. After that I'm going to say goodbye to them.

I'm starting to reluctant to leave them. Haha

At SJKC Chung Wah, one of the school that i teach, i was attracted to a kid from standard 1. I dun know why i was so like him, and thus i love him the most.

I gave others 1 sweet but he get 2. Hahaha.. (whispering:Not fair!) But i did that though..hahaha

Dun know why i like him so much, hoping that he will remember me even i'm gone, hoping that he will miss me, and hoping that could have a good relationship with him even i'm not teacher anymore. Haha. Hoping that he will call me uncle or brother when he found me outside. haha

My selfishness towards him had brought me to have more relationship to him. The involunteery action told me to treat him very nice. I had brought to McDonald Kuala Selangor after seek his mum permission. Hou Choi, his mom allow..Hahaha

Cutie... dun forget me when you grow up, u are good and obeys teacher rule. I like you much. Hope u too.

Actually u r tougher than anyone in the family

Now i realize that many thing not as true as I was thinking.
I also thinking that u are weak, so weak, and sometimes really feel upset to u.
By the way, i'm wrong. I was easily quoted since i not involve in the situation.
Now i feel guilty, as comparison, I worst than u, not even your little commitment.
U are so brave , so tough, so bravo.
U can accept the unwillingness without grumbling, u can bear with the unfairness without giving up.
Compare to me, i do nothing, i know only grumbling and feel scare to face it.
There were worst than feel scare, is no dare.
* the pressure bearing, u are not lesser than me.
* the pain bearing, u are not comfortable than me,
* the relationship conducting, I'm got more choice than u
* the responsibility to carried in the future, I am much lighter than u
* the interesting in the field conducting, It's more favorable for me
* the illness u having, I'm healthy at all
* the commitment on the study task, I'm far away from u.
Then how come i still felt not enough from u, by pointing the finger to others but not look at my own. How stupid it was....
I'm felt kinda guilty,
I'm felt really sorry,
Actually i'm the most useless and invaluable,
Somehow, i always feel arrogant with my little achievement,
I was a shit...
I really admired to u.

I dreamed.....

Today morning, I dreamed.
I dreamed someone who missing always, is it a sign or manifest of something that will happen?
" It's was an evening, she want to go Thailand but with unknown purpose, maybe for travelling or anything....
By the way, she need to buy bus ticket early, hence she need the go to Thailand terminal to book for it.
Coincidental, my cousin want to go Thailand, hence she would like to take a ride on cousin's car to get to the destination.
She was waiting for the arrival of cousin at bus stop with elder sister. I was worried it is ok to left her there for waiting, actually she fined, nothing illness and unconfortable.
I was just worrying and insist to wait with her.
Night becoming late, the cousin who allways not on time done his responsibility to not on time,
we was tiring waiting and suddenly its raining,
within the small bus stop, i quickly seize her to come in, prevent from getting wet.
In my feeling, I was mostly worried at all, will she accidently knocked down by others? Will she get into trouble if she go alone? Will she face difficulty when finding the bus ticket at Thailand terminal? Will she feel suffer after long walking? Will she tired?
Finally, cousin come with motorcycle, their face seem to be so enjoying, even though there are not enough seat to take on ride, they was enjoying running and follow cousin to car park to take their car...
Funny, haha, seem that she was so happy and can be running, is she really ok? will she get fatigue?
It still raining, dun get cold, inside my heart shoutout...
She was wearing a pink colour big jacket, very sharp and beautiful hairstyle, and very beautiful girl and happy..., and i was happy to see her happy and far from my sight"

haha.. Dream is ridiculous,
That my dreaming, does this indicate something? I could not read through...
Mysterios...

So sorry

I felt a big failure within myself.
I had failed to live with more exciting and energetic life, but the way, i was more tend to reverse.
I can't control myself, very upset and disappointed with the things lately done.
I failed to take care myself in good condition, I was failed in follow her advised.
I had a bad sleeping recently,
even my eyes feel so tired,
my face begin to felt numb,
and whole my body is to ache,
starting from backbone.
I lie on my bed, with my eyes close, hours by hours, i still in alert mode.
I'm so upset with my performance, feeling very down with this result,
starting to scared the effect if this situation continue, fear and frightened.
Not because of low visible night, but fear that can't enjoy the night.
Mind unstopped thinking on the dearest parent, how sad are they if they know i suffer from this.
Nervours tears nearly wetting my pillow, feeling how pity am i and those who always caring on me.
Great failure in managing myself made me felt more tension.
Mind, can u keep me on normal, i dun this to appear on me.
Really i scare that i will follow the path, in case not to reach parent who know the path, it is much important to keep secret and settle myself.
But who can i get helping hands?
Who can be my benefactor which want to give me an helping hand?
So happy that get feedback from concerning, but tension in carried is much greater,
who want step beside me and give me a push?
Or is me too sensitive, and hence a lot of unwanted tension developed,
There are something more terrible,
but really i felt someone always there for me, a good listener, have no weird to soliloquize.
I must settle down all this, give me a break please, how was the break is?
Some say it not good to say, should not be say, just would like to be decadent....
I'm sorry,
believe i will be good not follow you,
I was not happy at all that you be the example with great sacrifice,
I must be not let u on heart,
I thought i'll be better,
I'll try to get back again
I'm sorry i fail...